By Chaim Hillel Raskin
Can I try to persuade a family to consider my daughter as a shidduch for their son?
- Background: There are two potential Torah prohibitions involved in purchasing a friend’s personal items that are not for sale: (1) Lo sisaveh – not to scheme ways of how to acquire a friend’s possessions, persuading him to sell it.1 (2) Lo sachmod – not to actually buy the object even if one pays its full value.2 One who buys a friend’s personal item transgresses both prohibitions.3 As a middas chassidus one should not consciously desire what another person owns.4
- Some say that one may ask the owner once or twice if the item is for sale. More than that is pressuring and would be transgressing“lo sisaveh”.5Some acharonim write that since any amount of asking may constitute pressuring, one should be cautious and only inquire when the owner put it up for sale on his own.6 (Whether one may persistently ask to borrow or rent a personal item is a machlokes.7)
- Some poskim say that one may ask for an item as a gift, since no payment involved and the owner would not feel pressured to part with the item (though it is still inappropriate).8 However, other poskim hold that since the owner still feels some pressure it is a Torah prohibition.9
- Some say that the prohibitions only apply to unique items which cannot be bought anywhere (e.g. artwork, clothing, home), but a standard item which is available on the market is not subject to prohibition. However, others contest this allowance.10
- The prohibition only applies to physical objects which can only belong to one person at a time. Therefore, one may pressure someone to teach him an idea or profession,11 or to perform a job. It would also seem permissible to pressure someone to copy something he owns.
- Whether one may persuade someone to sell his possessions toanother person is the subject of dispute. However, one may convince someone to sell his house to a shul, since this is not a personal desire.12 However to convince someone to sell an esrog or tefillin is considered lo sachmod according to many opinions.
- The prohibition only applies to compelling an owner to give up his possessions. Thus, one may persuade someone who is single or their parents to marry, since they aren’t anyone’s possessions.13
Reprinted with permission from Lmaan Yishmeu – a project of Merkaz Anash. To see more articles visit Merkazanash.com
- דברים ה, יח.
- שמות כ, יד. שו”ע חו”מ סי’ שנ”ט ס”י, סמ”ע שם סקי”ז.
- שוע”ר חו”מ הל’ גזילה ה”ה.
- ערוה”ש שם ס”ח.
- שו”ת בצל החכמה ח”ג סי’ מ”ג אות ט’ ע”פ סמ”ע חו”מ רכ”ח סק”ח.
- ערוה”ש חו”מ שנ”ט סי”ג.
- פתחי חושן הל’ גניבה פ”א ס”ק כ”ח.
- שו”ת ארץ צבי סי’ ג’ אות ו’ בשם האמרי אמת מגור. וכן דייק ידידי הגר”י שי’ הלפרין מלשון שוע”ר שמזכיר תמיד הלשון מכר ולא לשון מתנה.
- רבנו יונה בשערי תשובה, וראה שו”ת בצל החכמה סי’ מ”ד.
- קו’ לחיות כהלכה ח”ד עמ’ ס”ז.
- ערוה”ש חו”מ שנ”ט ס”י ע”פ המכילתא.
- בן איש חי ספר רב ברכות מע’ ל’ אות ב’.
- מכילתא יתרו עה”פ לא תחמוד, ערוה”ש שם סי”א (וראה שם שגם בבת קטנה הדין הכי).
